Thursday, June 1, 2017. It was my 30th birthday; it was the day that almost killed me; it was the day that I chose to die to myself every single day for the sake of the little girl that they placed onto my chest as I uttered my first words after becoming a mama — We have a baby. Hope came into this world, and she changed my life forever.
It was that same day that I realized just how unfit of a mama I really am. I mean, what are the “requisite qualities or skills” that make a woman fit to be a mama anyway? I didn’t know the answer to that question then, and I still don’t know the answer to that question now.
I previously worked as a Child Protective Investigator. The state literally gave me (with the guidance of my superiors and the judicial system) the power to determine whether or not a person was “fit enough” to parent their children. By those standards, we looked at the basics — adequate food, water, shelter, nurture, the ability to protect and a history of protecting their children. There were the blatant cases where it was obvious that a child was not safe in the care of their parents (severe abuse and/or neglect with visible evidence). But in most cases, it wasn’t a clear-cut decision. I had to sit there and figure it out — Is this an unfit parent?
I loved the job when I had it. But if you were to ask me to go back and do it again, I don’t think I could. Because am I even “fit enough” to be a mama? Sometimes, I feel amazing like I’m killing it at this mama gig. Other times, I feel like I’m barely making it and dodging bullets on the battlefield of #mamalife. In those moments, I am reminded of the reality that I am unfit.
I am unfit. You are unfit. We are unfit.
It sounds horrible, I know. But it is so very true. None of us is fit for motherhood. Especially not in isolation. We need Jesus, and we need each other.
As I look back, I truly believe that most of these “unfit parents” that I met as a Child Protective Investigator could have thrived if they belonged to a loving community of people that really looked out for them.
Let’s not let another one of us unfit mamas go through mamahood alone. We are all in this together. There is still hope for the unfit mama.
Hope for This Unfit Mama 